Of all the things you could choose to do in New York, I choose silence.
Age 31, I found myself upstate New York sitting in a camp in silence.
3218 miles from home.
99 strangers surrounding me.
This was a chosen and organised silence. The sort you sign up for, repeatedly acknowledging that you are willing and capable of beingsilent for 10 days while handing over your valuables (inc. phones(!) all writing and reading materials) and agreeing to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, telling lies and intoxicants.
Vipassana retreats, for those of you (like most of my friends + family) who haven’t heard of the Vipassana Institute, are organised all over the world with the aim of sharing one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques.
I was fortunate enough to join the first Vipassana retreat to be hosted in New York, co-ordinated by the volunteers at the New York Vipassana Association.
An absolute beginner
During my yoga teacher training in Bali we spent the first four hours of each day in silence and since then I’ve carved time to meditate most days so I didn’t feel (in the words of Bowie) ‘an absolute beginner’. That said, I felt cynical, vulnerable and a little anxious.
The days started at 4am and ended at 9pm, sitting in meditation for up to 10 hours a day. I quickly realised that nothing can prepare a beginner for the physical and emotional torment of sitting this long.
Unplugged and daydreaming
I found the initial days tough and I was often unsure whether I was dreaming or meditating. When I managed to overcome the physical pain of sitting for up to an hour at a time I realised that I wasn’t meditating, I was sleeping cross legged. I could only determine my state when I heard myself snoring or my head hit my chest.
In our hyper connected, ’always on’ lives, it should be no surprise that the stillness and silence was a shock to my millennial system.
On day 3 I signed up for an interview with the teacher (during this time you can break your silence and the instructors help you overcome any issues you’re experiencing) and she kindly reminded me that exhaustion was a normal reaction for a beginner of Vipassana.
Her words brought relief but I still felt frustrated as others weren’t reacting in this way and I thought I had a ‘good’ meditation practice as I was an ‘avid Yogi’ and if I can ‘do yoga’ then surely I’ll ‘be good’ at Vipassana (hello ego!).
Silencing the ego
Your ego gets louder in the silence. If you think a negative thought it spirals.
The days that followed were up and down. I missed music. I missed hugs. I missed human connection. I wanted to be outdoors running through a field rather than in a stuffy hall.
I brushed and flossed my teeth several times a day just for something to do.
At worst I felt isolated, abandoned and alone. At my best, the silence allowed me to acknowledge these feelings and it also gave me the strength to overcome them.
Despite the wonderfully growing popularity of bitesize meditation and mindfulness apps, Vipassana meditation remains raw. It has stayed true to its routes. You have to do the work and to do this you have to find equanimity with yourself. This means dropping any pre-existing labels or notions of ‘success’ or ‘perfectionism’.
Shifting attitude – dedication and determination
Over time my competitive nature and cynicism faded, replaced with a new attitude of dedication and determination.
This shift in attitude helped me realise I wasn’t following the instructions and I was mixing Vipasana with more familiar meditation techniques such as mantras and basic mindfulness practices.
As I settled into this I became more present and accepting. I stopped fighting away the unfamiliar. I started to listen to the teachers and their instructions.
Changing seasons and falling leaves
I began to appreciate nature and felt very lucky to witness the change of seasons in this part of the world. I stopped resenting the meditation hall and whenever there was free time I spent it outdoors. I looked up and saw beauty everywhere, watching the leaves fall during the day and the stars glisten at night. I walked at a slower pace.
I had moments of belly rolling laughter (luckily this happened while I was walking outside the meditation hall) and vividly clear childhood memories. I started to remember my dreams (I never remember my dreams…), have smaller bites of food and savour every sip of tea.
Despite this new found bliss the latter days also saw moments of screeching frustration and throughout the 10 days I continued to count down the hours until I could leave.
All emotions and sensations are necessary and fleeting
For me the beauty of Vipassana is in the practice not the theory. Every emotion will surface, the jewel is to allow it and overtime lessen your reaction.
By gifting yourself 10 days of silence and up to 10 hours of meditation each day you allow yourself to experience the benefits of the meditation. In this silence you accept your vulnerability and you see that all the emotions and sensations, good or bad, are necessary and fleeting.
Vipassana helps us to overcome the sensations in the body, the numbness of your ankle or the shooting pains in your lower back, by slowing down our reactions and in my case (on a good day!) disassociate the panic or anxiety caused by the pain allowing me to be still.
In this vulnerability you trust and observe rather than react. Perhaps beginning to accept (sometimes only momentarily) that impermanence is the only truth.
No sleep until Brooklyn
Vipassana then becomes a tool for how we respond to things outside of the meditation hall and ultimately master the art of living not just for ourselves but for the good of all.
As I left the camp and arrived back into Grand Central Station I was aware of every level of noise. My jaw clicked every time I spoke and I didn’t want to turn my phone on.
I headed for Brooklyn that evening and I watched the sunset over the Statue of Liberty. Feeling calm, wondering how long that would last.
One month on…starting a blog, turning vegan + cancelling my flight home
Its taken me until now (one month since the retreat) to articulate this experience and writing this blog has really helped me, along with staying in touch and hearing the stories of some of the incredible woman who shared this experience with me.
After eating the vegan meals that were kindly prepared and served by volunteers each day during the retreat I’ve decided to turn vegan (maybe with the occasional slice of cheese…).
Oh yeah, and one other thing…I had a follow up interview for a new job the day after the retreat and they’ve postponed the role I was interviewing for so I decided to cancel my flight from NYC to Edinburgh (my home town) and return to my simple life in beloved Mexico.
Effortless.
Fair + Freckles 